Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Where do you go from here?

Broken Strings (James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado)
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything
When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else
Oh, it tears me up I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late
Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late
You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

When do you say that you love a person less today than yesterday?

When everything seems to be falling into their right places, you suddenly wake up clueless.

You feel the love, but the magic is gone. You feel you can't go on without another person, but you also can't grow with the same one.

You try to salvage the remains of what you have...or have lost, but every effort is futile.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hangovers, aye! aye!

Nights out with friends / colleagues are the most relaxing breaks I seriously appreciate nowadays. Despite the heavy and sleepy head I get the mornings after, nothing gets the deal from just having fun after long hours of work. Yes, yes, not too much workload there, but a sitting spree for nine hours isn't much different.

It was only last year that I let myself consume alcohol on an occasional basis. This year was a major breakthrough, though. I am out with friends from work more often (read: at least once or twice slash week); not because we bargain for hangovers during work days, but because we immensely enjoy one another's company and stories, which are, simply put, non-existent within the confines of the workplace. ;)

More revelations on my negative side: I never thought I would be this comfortable with such people in such little time. With all my hang-ups and issues in life (yeah, yeah we all have 'em), I never actually believed I could go out to and with them. And yes, I absolutely never thought I'd even entertain getting up from bed and dressing up again to be with them on nights of absolute spontaneity.

This is a change I embraced with, honestly, one or two hesitations. Alcohol is one thing I thought I'd never learn to drink while out with friends. It just scared me how people turn out when it overwhelms their system. Bad company, the ignorants would say, because we get drunk and what-nots during work days. However, it is not the alcohol (though it gets us through), but everything that's transpired during those blurry, trans-like moments in which you wouldn't remember the transition from sober to wasted (whew!) that make the night fun and hilarious as you can ever imagine. It is during these times that you get to know people as who they really are, sans the computer screens and keyboards and endless jargon of every working day.

Also, as far as my sane self is concerned, it is during these times that I get to be otherwise. Enough said.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Change is constant

Trying my very hard to believe that things are meant to happen as they do, I've finally let go of my most recent hang-up: Globe number for 6 years.

After days of denying that this had really happened before my eyes, I've convinced msyelf that it's time to move forward.

Just as it is hard to leave old persons from your life, it's hard to break free from things that have been attached to you for so long. The more years you count with it, the more value it serves in your life. For some reason, certain things become one's security blanket just because it has become familiar with you. However, as the old (refutable) saying goes, Nothing's permanent but change, and so I am ready to embrace it.

New Globe number, here I am. :)

P.S. Maybe no pin codes this time. I'll try, that is, being the paranoid me.

Betrayal at its best

The last time I checked, you don't talk dirty behind a family's back. There are a lot of skeletons in the closet that only family members know about one another, and I would like to believe that the family per se equates to keeping these inner secrets within the immediate circle. It just stabs right through to the back when a friend betrays you, what more when a family member does.

One betrayal could be tolerated and forgiven; the next is a whole new story.

It can't be denied that confrontations with family members are more than double the stress and pressure than those with friends. However, there is no justifiable excuse to spill about the dilemma to another person without first confronting the one directly involved.

It is also heartbreaking that a family member you've trusted with your inner, true feelings is the same person who couldn't come up to your face and talk about the issue; whatever this may be. It just can't be helped to feel that your imperfections are being used against you to validate their being less imperfect than you are.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

RIP not yet my globe number

Last night, for some stupid reason, my globe number had bin pin blocked. I forgot that it only takes three tries to lock me out of my own number. Because I was in extreme panic mode that the number didn't recognize the first pin attempt, I typed it away two more times one after the other. Then it like a hard slap on the face the screen said: "Pin blocked" then appeared another mock "PUK number."

I wouldn't bother writing about my stupidity if that number doesn't have more than its market value of significance for me. I'll go nuts if I don't release this seething self-hate I've had since last night. I've had it since February 28, 2003, way back in senior high. It was only my third time to change a number in my whole 9 years of having a mobile phone. I was and still am at a loss on how this could've happened right under my nose. Out of sheer desperation, I thought of very single place where I can take the my sim and have it unblocked. Despite the ringing sounds of "impossible" in my ear, I am more than determined to try everything and anything before laying it to rest.

I sound like a psycho, I know. 6 years. Not easy to let go. Now I sound like an ex who still has the hang for a former lover. Yes, I am in psycho episode right now. So shoot me.

Damn PIN codes. So much for security.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

All things' first

They say everything has its own first--first walk, first word, first food, first toy, first friend, first love, and then there’s your first job.

My first job wasn’t necessarily what I wanted right after college, but it’s all I have so as not to be a professional bum thereafter. First job exam, first job interview, first job offer, first job—this was going to be my life, I said.

True enough, I spent most time of the day sitting in front of the computer typing away necessary things and backspace-ing all others. It was an exciting job. It was, after all, something I have never studied in school: medical field.

Comprehensive disease monographs have been all over me for the past year. Through all these, I have learned to be paranoid with a simple itch, cough, or headache. It is never easy to ignore these when you read these symptoms in chronic diseases five times a week, 9 hours a day.

On the other hand, I have also come to embrace the authority it gives me whenever I talk about diseases. Oh yes, it feels great to talk like a doctor when you really are not. :D

The people I worked with are great, save for one person. Unfortunately, that one person was my immediate superior. He creates havoc in everything he goes through: from the disease monographs to monitors that go static cause of mobile phone signal. He also has this cunning ability to pressure all four persons through just one with only a sentence, or phrase even. One second he’s all smiles and stories, the other he’s a raging bull ready to attack with its sharp and solid horns. He never connected with his people. Although he speaks well about one person, he can also speak hell as much as his eyes blink. Every little thing that has gone wrong, regardless of intention, is taken against everybody. There were always inconsistencies, wrong output, and incorrect information. For him, there was never a good enough job. It’s either you mess it up or you just did what you’re being paid for.

That is why by half the year of my stay, I was intent on jumping to the next job offer that comes my way.

Until he announced he was migrating to another country. “YES!”, I jumped with joy as if I got the summa cum laude medal by simply clicking on the TV remote control all days of the week.
Everyone in the team was excited that he was leaving. Geez, when you work with his kind of person, you’ll never hear the end of your nanometer, unintentional mistake. “Poor guys,” is all we can say when he said he’s got another managerial job in that country.

Three months after being transferred to another superior, I didn't see myself leaving..or so I thought. A career opportunity opens and looks very much interesting in my goal to at least see professional growth in my job, which I readily accepted I am not having with my current one.

Just when I was getting the hang of a new, very considerate, and totally cool boss, I had to choose career growth, and so I quit.

This was my first formal resignation, and it felt awful. It's as if I'm leaving a big part of me beacause of the bond and attachment we've built with one another. Then again, this is my career, and this is what I have to do to make use of the years of education I worked hard for.

Fate really has a strange way of going around with my life. This new job came around during the time I really wanted to just vanish into thin air.

Yes, I had the wrong reasons for entertaining it, but it offered me more than what I expected, so I took it.


P.S.

Thanks to jobstreet. Hahaha.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Realizations on self-contradiction: wants and needs

When I was younger, I've always been puzzled why two persons have to be together when they love each other. I was always asking if being a couple confirms or affirms the love that two people have for each other. I didn't understand then the necessity of labeling the other person "my boyfriend/girlfriend." I thought that having a romantic relationship is not important just so people would know that you are capable of loving somebody besides yourself. I believed that telling your feelings for the other person is enough. Whether he or she feels the same is another story.

When I look back today, I think I was bordering on the cynical/ loser when I thought that wanting the other person to be "my boyfriend/ girlfriend" is one of the symptoms people attribute to narcissism. There wasn't even a good enough rationale for me on why people had to get married. One morning during my college days, I was with a friend and we were in a jeepney on our way to Math class. I can't remember how our conversation ended up on romantic relationships. What was vivid in my mind was one of my remarks: "Ok. mahal mo, mahal ka. So? Kailangan ba maging kayo?" Emphasis was on kailangan. I couldn't recall any response to that maybe because we have reached the Math building and had to alight the jeep. There was also no follow-up to that topic.

That conversation was vaguely in my mind when another friend brought it up. Turned out, she heard my retort on romantic relationships and took it as basis of whether she wants to be somebody's girlfriend.

Contrary to what this entry may have been saying about me, I am not a member of NBSB (read:no boyfriend since birth ). And no, I didn't have a traumatic childhood or any experience with any man, for that matter. I would like to believe this line of thinking sprung out of curiosity, which, by the way, should be innate in people wanting to know better. No, I am not being defensive, and yes, I will stick to my story.

Anyway, back in high school, when I still had a big crush on my boyfriend (one and only), I wasn't thinking we'd be a couple. Yes, I've had series of kilig moments that made me want to jump to high heavens, but these were not enough either to make me want to be his girlfriend or even consider that as an ultimate end to my big crush on him.

Until recently, I haven't understood why being able to say "he's mine" equates to "back off, bitch." Yes, you can like and love anyone, but you cannot always have him or her. Last time I checked, I can't just come up to John Lloyd Cruz and tell him that I like him sooo much and I want him to be my boyfriend. That is because besides putting myself in certain shame, I might end up in a funny farm.

I am not sure why I had to defend the right of a person to call someone "his" or "hers." I am not even sure why it hurts big time not to be able to do that to the person you want the most. If you can't have him, ditch him. Nah, that's just a pathetic excuse to deny that you wouldn't want anybody else but him.

Now, where am I going at this anyway?

Simple, loving somebody is a complex fact when you know from the start that you can never call him "mine."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Most abused word

"Sorry seems to be the hardest word.", says that timeless song.

I don't know if it is just me or the whole world has suddenly turned apathetic to what "sorry" should mean.

It just seems that nowadays, hurting someone is like blinking.

Many people have become comfortable to taking for granted even those whom they say are the most important persons in their life. Many people have become careless of their actions and words, believeing that a single word can take it all back.

I grew up believing that saying sorry is as good as letting a part of you die in shame. I thought that letting that word come out your mouth makes you less of a person because you bluntly admit to a mistake, deliberately done or not.

Today, I stand corrected.

From a slight bump from that person beside you in the jeepney to the deepest cut in your heart done by the person you never imagined capable of doing it to you-- sorry has become an abused word.

People are now mindless of what their actions might cause, believing that saying sorry is all that's needed to fix the shattered pieces of your heart.

When you look long enough at the word--sorry--how much of it do you really take to heart and hold on to until that one, same person who said it over and over rips you apart again and expects to be forgiven again with just uttering that word and never proving it?

Saying sorry is one thing; proving you are is another. When he asks for forgiveness and you give it to him, but then hurts you again with the same mistake, will you accept the predictable outcome of another apology? How does he prove this time that he is genuinely sorry for a mistake he has already done for the nth time? How much beating do you have to take to finally stand up and tell yourself you've had enough? How much do you want your heart to bleed before mustering up the courage to move forward without him?

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Can one abused word take it all back and make you whole again?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

On simple hygiene

I know I mentioned I love riding jeepneys for the sense of nostalgia that creeps through my veins every time I do. However, there is this one pet peeve of mine that drives me nuts whenever I reach out my hands directly to the driver's.

Their hands just looks (and I believe are) teeming with all kinds of germs! Oh my graciousness, why can't they keep their hands decently clean? I mean, yes, they work with engines, wheels, coins, and all that, but those are not excuses to let dirt eat your hands all afternoon! It is not just disgusting to look at, it is plain unhygienic.

Of all the jeepneys I have rode in, there is this one driver that was, at least, conscious of his hands. I mean, after getting people's fares and putting these in his coin box, he wipes his hands (or his fingers, at the very least) with a rag.

Some people might say that this is just another rant, but hey, does it not bother you that different kinds of diseases are on their way to your system, and all they needed was a good pass from the driver's hands to yours?

Let's take a concrete ground wherein to base this judgement. If even once you observed a driver's hand as he reaches for the fare from your hands, you would see that a decent hand is barely visible. It is literally black all over with matching "eyebrows" on their fingernails. Just try observing, sweeties, and I wouldn't need any affirmation at all.

There were programs launched by relevant government agencies with regard to keeping drivers a pleasant sight to the public. Drivers were given deodorants and free services to dentists so they look good to the commuters.

Although being body odor and halitosis free are, no doubt, important, keeping their hands decently clean is equally important if they want to keep passengers helping them get the fares to their hands. That is as long as they do not develop stretchable hands ala lastikman or Dhalsim (of Street Fighter).

The thing is, the main interaction between driver and commuter is not armpit sniffing or face to face talking; it is a commuter (read: me and you) reaching a fare to the driver, touching each other's hands in the process. Now you may picture this scene in a romantic movie with everything going in slow motion as your hand touches the driver's, but this is not some chick flick wherein you fall in love at that moment with a Barry Manilow score for background. You are actually reaching for a great deal of germs there.

So do I have to write a letter to the MMDA or LTO or LTFRB to mandate drivers to keep their hands clean? Or do I just have to tap each jeepney driver and tell him to try washing his hands, at least?

What would you do?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Change indeed

"Change has come to America."

That sums up a lot about the result of the United States' just-concluded national elections. For almost two years, both the Democratic and Republican parties fought hard to earn the votes of the American people; the democratic party exerting extra effort to penetrate the conservative political inclination of most Americans.

It was not an easy fight. It is not a simple battleground. It is the land of milk and honey. It is the promised land for many people. No matter how hard it takes to get pass the gates, most people try to their deaths just to get through to the most powerful nation in the world. Suffice it to say that this nation has been eyed by all kinds of people all over the world. Whatever happens in it and to it, the world is always affected.

A lot of people are apprehensive toward the economic game plan of the two presidential candidates. More than health and gender issues, people anxiously waited for them to lay out their concrete plans on the impending meltdown of the US economy. Because every nation is deemed affected by the recession that America is suffering from, every move that each candidate proposes is crucial.

John McCain was popular because of his strong ties with President George W. Bush. Was such credit rewarding for McCain? We all saw the news, polls, and the face of the new President.

He was on the defense whenever his proposed policies were associated with the unpopular policies of Pres. Bush--the Iraq and Afghanistan wars being the foreground of their (as much as their party's) unpopularity.

McCain was also at a disadvantage when it came to his running mate. Governor Sarah Palin made the people curious of her effect on McCain's race to the White House. It turned out that she pulled the ol' man downhill with her. Her inconsistent stands and actions were the driving forces of the people to totally shun her out of the possibility of taking the vice-presidential seat.

Considerably, McCain was more confident than his competitor. The US has been under Republican governance for two terms. With Bush as a Republican as his strong backer, McCain had certainly some foundation to lean on.

Barack Obama, on the other hand, was effortlessly (positively) popular because of his (per se) being revolutionary. The thought of the first black president stunned the world, but it also widened their perspective. Obama downplayed his color, thus racism, and strongly up played his strong economic policies. Although he was at a disadvantage because he firmly upholds tax increases as a means to help build up the economy again, people took him as an instrument for change.

With Obama's victory, we now ask: "What's in it for Filipinos?"

For the entire duration of the presidential race, Filipinos were anxious of the would-be result of the elections. Many have voiced out that they would be supportive of Obama because of his strong stance and firm principles. These were besides Obama being an epitome of a groundbreaking change for America and for the world, that is.

However, many also expressed dilemma because of Obama's business policy perspectives. The boom of call centers in the Philippines has created jobs for countless newly graduates who still cannot find the job that best suits their respective degrees. With Obama's explicit stand con outsourcing, call center companies and other ones who outsource service from the Philippines stand in the limelight for possible closure or retrenchment. Many are awed of Obama's courage to stand up and challenge the status quo, but many are also anxious of his ways of implementing his policies to save America from faltering to its belly, which is obviously precipitated by the economic crisis that is slowly crippling the rest of the world.

In this light I dare ask: Why put our country's fate upon another's?

I also dare answer: It is because we always have from time immemorial.

Ironically, since we have regained our freedom from foreign occupation and colonization, it is when we started depending our lives to foreign decisions and perspectives. We need not go back and trace history through the roots of imperialism--economic imperialism, that is.

The brunt of the on going struggle of the US economy against economic crisis has been felt in the Philippines despite deceitful denials of the government to admit that we are, indeed, affected by the crisis.

Should the US economy stumble and falter as the world's superpower country, what will be left of the Philippines that has become a slave of the US? How can the Philippine government accommodate millions of would-be unemployed Filipinos? How can public officials who claim to be public servants help the poorer Filipinos who will eventually become the poorest ones?

With all the scandals that the Philippine government is facing today, how else can we accommodate larger and more pressing issues--such as unemployment, poverty, and illiteracy--that plague the country every single day?

Why don't we ask ourselves what change can we do for the Philippines?

For once and for a better change, why don't we take small yet concrete steps toward strengthening the Filipino system?

For the best change that we can offer the country, why don't we try depending on ourselves and actually doing something to resolve our problems?

It is always fun to put the blame on everybody else but yourself, but is this the way we want to live when we cry for change on every single breath that we take?

Yes, we need a whole lot of changing to do, but why don't we pause for a while and ask ourselves what positive change can we offer this time.

Let us see if at the end of the day we can proudly say to ourselves that we have deviated from the mainstream flow of apathy and took a simple step toward activity and we have, indeed, made a change.