Where do you go from here?

Broken Strings (James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado)

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue

I can't even convince myself

When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?

We are turning into dust

Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

So how can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

When do you say that you love a person less today than yesterday?

When everything seems to be falling into their right places, you suddenly wake up clueless.

You feel the love, but the magic is gone. You feel you can't go on without another person, but you also can't grow with the same one.

You try to salvage the remains of what you have...or have lost, but every effort is futile.

Hangovers, aye! aye!

Nights out with friends / colleagues are the most relaxing breaks I seriously appreciate nowadays. Despite the heavy and sleepy head I get the mornings after, nothing gets the deal from just having fun after long hours of work. Yes, yes, not too much workload there, but a sitting spree for nine hours isn't much different.

It was only last year that I let myself consume alcohol on an occasional basis. This year was a major breakthrough, though. I am out with friends from work more often (read: at least once or twice slash week); not because we bargain for hangovers during work days, but because we immensely enjoy one another's company and stories, which are, simply put, non-existent within the confines of the workplace. ;)

More revelations on my negative side: I never thought I would be this comfortable with such people in such little time. With all my hang-ups and issues in life (yeah, yeah we all have 'em), I never actually believed I could go out to and with them. And yes, I absolutely never thought I'd even entertain getting up from bed and dressing up again to be with them on nights of absolute spontaneity.

This is a change I embraced with, honestly, one or two hesitations. Alcohol is one thing I thought I'd never learn to drink while out with friends. It just scared me how people turn out when it overwhelms their system. Bad company, the ignorants would say, because we get drunk and what-nots during work days. However, it is not the alcohol (though it gets us through), but everything that's transpired during those blurry, trans-like moments in which you wouldn't remember the transition from sober to wasted (whew!) that make the night fun and hilarious as you can ever imagine. It is during these times that you get to know people as who they really are, sans the computer screens and keyboards and endless jargon of every working day.

Also, as far as my sane self is concerned, it is during these times that I get to be otherwise. Enough said.

Change is constant

Trying my very hard to believe that things are meant to happen as they do, I've finally let go of my most recent hang-up: Globe number for 6 years.

After days of denying that this had really happened before my eyes, I've convinced msyelf that it's time to move forward.

Just as it is hard to leave old persons from your life, it's hard to break free from things that have been attached to you for so long. The more years you count with it, the more value it serves in your life. For some reason, certain things become one's security blanket just because it has become familiar with you. However, as the old (refutable) saying goes, Nothing's permanent but change, and so I am ready to embrace it.

New Globe number, here I am. :)

P.S. Maybe no pin codes this time. I'll try, that is, being the paranoid me.

Betrayal at its best

The last time I checked, you don't talk dirty behind a family's back. There are a lot of skeletons in the closet that only family members know about one another, and I would like to believe that the family per se equates to keeping these inner secrets within the immediate circle. It just stabs right through to the back when a friend betrays you, what more when a family member does.

One betrayal could be tolerated and forgiven; the next is a whole new story.

It can't be denied that confrontations with family members are more than double the stress and pressure than those with friends. However, there is no justifiable excuse to spill about the dilemma to another person without first confronting the one directly involved.

It is also heartbreaking that a family member you've trusted with your inner, true feelings is the same person who couldn't come up to your face and talk about the issue; whatever this may be. It just can't be helped to feel that your imperfections are being used against you to validate their being less imperfect than you are.

RIP not yet my globe number

Last night, for some stupid reason, my globe number had bin pin blocked. I forgot that it only takes three tries to lock me out of my own number. Because I was in extreme panic mode that the number didn't recognize the first pin attempt, I typed it away two more times one after the other. Then it like a hard slap on the face the screen said: "Pin blocked" then appeared another mock "PUK number."

I wouldn't bother writing about my stupidity if that number doesn't have more than its market value of significance for me. I'll go nuts if I don't release this seething self-hate I've had since last night. I've had it since February 28, 2003, way back in senior high. It was only my third time to change a number in my whole 9 years of having a mobile phone. I was and still am at a loss on how this could've happened right under my nose. Out of sheer desperation, I thought of very single place where I can take the my sim and have it unblocked. Despite the ringing sounds of "impossible" in my ear, I am more than determined to try everything and anything before laying it to rest.

I sound like a psycho, I know. 6 years. Not easy to let go. Now I sound like an ex who still has the hang for a former lover. Yes, I am in psycho episode right now. So shoot me.

Damn PIN codes. So much for security.

All things' first

They say everything has its own first--first walk, first word, first food, first toy, first friend, first love, and then there’s your first job.

My first job wasn’t necessarily what I wanted right after college, but it’s all I have so as not to be a professional bum thereafter. First job exam, first job interview, first job offer, first job—this was going to be my life, I said.

True enough, I spent most time of the day sitting in front of the computer typing away necessary things and backspace-ing all others. It was an exciting job. It was, after all, something I have never studied in school: medical field.

Comprehensive disease monographs have been all over me for the past year. Through all these, I have learned to be paranoid with a simple itch, cough, or headache. It is never easy to ignore these when you read these symptoms in chronic diseases five times a week, 9 hours a day.

On the other hand, I have also come to embrace the authority it gives me whenever I talk about diseases. Oh yes, it feels great to talk like a doctor when you really are not. :D

The people I worked with are great, save for one person. Unfortunately, that one person was my immediate superior. He creates havoc in everything he goes through: from the disease monographs to monitors that go static cause of mobile phone signal. He also has this cunning ability to pressure all four persons through just one with only a sentence, or phrase even. One second he’s all smiles and stories, the other he’s a raging bull ready to attack with its sharp and solid horns. He never connected with his people. Although he speaks well about one person, he can also speak hell as much as his eyes blink. Every little thing that has gone wrong, regardless of intention, is taken against everybody. There were always inconsistencies, wrong output, and incorrect information. For him, there was never a good enough job. It’s either you mess it up or you just did what you’re being paid for.

That is why by half the year of my stay, I was intent on jumping to the next job offer that comes my way.

Until he announced he was migrating to another country. “YES!”, I jumped with joy as if I got the summa cum laude medal by simply clicking on the TV remote control all days of the week.
Everyone in the team was excited that he was leaving. Geez, when you work with his kind of person, you’ll never hear the end of your nanometer, unintentional mistake. “Poor guys,” is all we can say when he said he’s got another managerial job in that country.

Three months after being transferred to another superior, I didn't see myself leaving..or so I thought. A career opportunity opens and looks very much interesting in my goal to at least see professional growth in my job, which I readily accepted I am not having with my current one.

Just when I was getting the hang of a new, very considerate, and totally cool boss, I had to choose career growth, and so I quit.

This was my first formal resignation, and it felt awful. It's as if I'm leaving a big part of me beacause of the bond and attachment we've built with one another. Then again, this is my career, and this is what I have to do to make use of the years of education I worked hard for.

Fate really has a strange way of going around with my life. This new job came around during the time I really wanted to just vanish into thin air.

Yes, I had the wrong reasons for entertaining it, but it offered me more than what I expected, so I took it.


P.S.

Thanks to jobstreet. Hahaha.

Realizations on self-contradiction: wants and needs

When I was younger, I've always been puzzled why two persons have to be together when they love each other. I was always asking if being a couple confirms or affirms the love that two people have for each other. I didn't understand then the necessity of labeling the other person "my boyfriend/girlfriend." I thought that having a romantic relationship is not important just so people would know that you are capable of loving somebody besides yourself. I believed that telling your feelings for the other person is enough. Whether he or she feels the same is another story.

When I look back today, I think I was bordering on the cynical/ loser when I thought that wanting the other person to be "my boyfriend/ girlfriend" is one of the symptoms people attribute to narcissism. There wasn't even a good enough rationale for me on why people had to get married. One morning during my college days, I was with a friend and we were in a jeepney on our way to Math class. I can't remember how our conversation ended up on romantic relationships. What was vivid in my mind was one of my remarks: "Ok. mahal mo, mahal ka. So? Kailangan ba maging kayo?" Emphasis was on kailangan. I couldn't recall any response to that maybe because we have reached the Math building and had to alight the jeep. There was also no follow-up to that topic.

That conversation was vaguely in my mind when another friend brought it up. Turned out, she heard my retort on romantic relationships and took it as basis of whether she wants to be somebody's girlfriend.

Contrary to what this entry may have been saying about me, I am not a member of NBSB (read:no boyfriend since birth ). And no, I didn't have a traumatic childhood or any experience with any man, for that matter. I would like to believe this line of thinking sprung out of curiosity, which, by the way, should be innate in people wanting to know better. No, I am not being defensive, and yes, I will stick to my story.

Anyway, back in high school, when I still had a big crush on my boyfriend (one and only), I wasn't thinking we'd be a couple. Yes, I've had series of kilig moments that made me want to jump to high heavens, but these were not enough either to make me want to be his girlfriend or even consider that as an ultimate end to my big crush on him.

Until recently, I haven't understood why being able to say "he's mine" equates to "back off, bitch." Yes, you can like and love anyone, but you cannot always have him or her. Last time I checked, I can't just come up to John Lloyd Cruz and tell him that I like him sooo much and I want him to be my boyfriend. That is because besides putting myself in certain shame, I might end up in a funny farm.

I am not sure why I had to defend the right of a person to call someone "his" or "hers." I am not even sure why it hurts big time not to be able to do that to the person you want the most. If you can't have him, ditch him. Nah, that's just a pathetic excuse to deny that you wouldn't want anybody else but him.

Now, where am I going at this anyway?

Simple, loving somebody is a complex fact when you know from the start that you can never call him "mine."