Realizations on self-contradiction: wants and needs

When I was younger, I've always been puzzled why two persons have to be together when they love each other. I was always asking if being a couple confirms or affirms the love that two people have for each other. I didn't understand then the necessity of labeling the other person "my boyfriend/girlfriend." I thought that having a romantic relationship is not important just so people would know that you are capable of loving somebody besides yourself. I believed that telling your feelings for the other person is enough. Whether he or she feels the same is another story.

When I look back today, I think I was bordering on the cynical/ loser when I thought that wanting the other person to be "my boyfriend/ girlfriend" is one of the symptoms people attribute to narcissism. There wasn't even a good enough rationale for me on why people had to get married. One morning during my college days, I was with a friend and we were in a jeepney on our way to Math class. I can't remember how our conversation ended up on romantic relationships. What was vivid in my mind was one of my remarks: "Ok. mahal mo, mahal ka. So? Kailangan ba maging kayo?" Emphasis was on kailangan. I couldn't recall any response to that maybe because we have reached the Math building and had to alight the jeep. There was also no follow-up to that topic.

That conversation was vaguely in my mind when another friend brought it up. Turned out, she heard my retort on romantic relationships and took it as basis of whether she wants to be somebody's girlfriend.

Contrary to what this entry may have been saying about me, I am not a member of NBSB (read:no boyfriend since birth ). And no, I didn't have a traumatic childhood or any experience with any man, for that matter. I would like to believe this line of thinking sprung out of curiosity, which, by the way, should be innate in people wanting to know better. No, I am not being defensive, and yes, I will stick to my story.

Anyway, back in high school, when I still had a big crush on my boyfriend (one and only), I wasn't thinking we'd be a couple. Yes, I've had series of kilig moments that made me want to jump to high heavens, but these were not enough either to make me want to be his girlfriend or even consider that as an ultimate end to my big crush on him.

Until recently, I haven't understood why being able to say "he's mine" equates to "back off, bitch." Yes, you can like and love anyone, but you cannot always have him or her. Last time I checked, I can't just come up to John Lloyd Cruz and tell him that I like him sooo much and I want him to be my boyfriend. That is because besides putting myself in certain shame, I might end up in a funny farm.

I am not sure why I had to defend the right of a person to call someone "his" or "hers." I am not even sure why it hurts big time not to be able to do that to the person you want the most. If you can't have him, ditch him. Nah, that's just a pathetic excuse to deny that you wouldn't want anybody else but him.

Now, where am I going at this anyway?

Simple, loving somebody is a complex fact when you know from the start that you can never call him "mine."